Writer: Jayati Bhardwaj (Delhi)

Editor: Bagmita Gogoi (Tinsukia, Assam)

“I wonder about others like me, who seem totally fine on the outside but are rotting on the inside, where the rot is this vague state of being not fine and not devastated at the same time.”

I Want to Die But I Want to Eat Tteokbokki (죽고싶지만 떡볶이는 먹고싶어) is a short, part memoir and part self-help book written by Baek Se-hee (백세희). The book was originally published in Korean in 2018 and was then translated into English by Anton Hur in 2022. The book is written as dialogues between the author and her psychiatrist. It is divided into twelve conversations recorded in three months out of ten years of the author’s therapy sessions and some additional chapters about her concerns and reflections. It is one of the many books recommended by RM from BTS and many other celebrities and influencers. 

_{Picture Credits: Bloomsbury}

I Want to Die But I Want to Eat Tteokbokki is an easy-to-follow and short book (it finishes under 200 pages). It explores themes from the author’s present and past, including her childhood experiences, relationships with family and romantic partners, co-dependency, self-doubt, persistent anxiety, elevated judgment targeted towards others, etc. Baek Se-hee, the author, is a successful Media Director at a publishing house in Korea. According to the book’s introduction, she is young and successful professionally. However, as we read further about her struggles, we encounter her search for validation through the results she achieves in her workplace.

_{Picture Credits: Baek Se-hee’s Instagram(@sentido90)}

The author was diagnosed with Dysthymia, also known as persistent depressive disorder. It is a relatively milder but long-lasting form of depression. People with this condition constantly feel sad and may experience prominent and major depressive episodes. She quotes, 

“… even in my most unbearably depressed moments, I could be laughing at a friend’s joke but still feel emptiness in my heart, and then feel an emptiness in my stomach, which would make me go out to eat tteokbokki- what was wrong with me? I wasn’t deathly depressed, but I wasn’t happy either, floating instead in some feeling between two.”

I Want to Die But I Want to Eat Tteokbokki is an endearing book that encourages deep reflection. From the very first page till the last, there were times when I had to close the book and set it aside because it made me feel a considerable amount of things. The main message the author wanted to convey was to bring the idea of expression, introspection and reflection into our everyday conversations. I must say, she succeeded in doing so. After finishing the book, I pondered upon the “smaller” and “closeted” sentiments I have felt for a prolonged time, but I never considered voicing them aloud. 

_{Picture credits: Baek Se-hee’s Instagram(@sentido90)}

The major themes discussed in this book, I believe, are something that people in their 20s and 30s would resonate with—the author talked candidly about her mental health and experiences. She did not shy away from talking about her past experiences and their influences on her present or expressing herself without a filter. There were instances where I wanted to know more about the author’s circumstances, but they weren’t shared. It could be because of privacy or because one can only explore certain information in a short time, i.e., three months. Regardless of the weighty themes, the book feels light to read. It can be finished quickly in a day or two; however, I took my time and tried to reflect simultaneously.

_{Picture Credits: Goodreads}

While reading, I couldn’t help but be concerned about the structure or incompleteness of the conversations between the author and the psychiatrist. There weren’t insights into how the psychiatrist came to the given conclusion or how we (the readers) can cope with the issues that the author herself is going through, given that the book is partially a self-help book. However, I also believe that the integral idea of this book leans more towards: If you feel like this YOU ARE NOT ALONE, than giving concrete solutions to get better. Baek Se-hee quotes one of her readers who said, “I love and cherish your story, and I am your friend,” to which she further adds that it is precisely what she wants to say to everyone reading her book—which I believe talks lengths—meaning I share my story and I am here to listen to yours too. Everyone has struggles, but that does not mean they are any less complicated or exhausting to deal with.

“Books never tire of me. And in time, they present a solution, quietly waiting until I am fully healed.”

_{Picture credits: Baek Se-hee’s Instagram(@sentido90)}

I have my own set of mental health battles. Reading such books provides me with an understanding of diverse mental health conditions. It gives me a sense of belonging that I am not the only one going through such circumstances and quandaries. Simultaneously, putting in the thought that there are people in the world who are struggling just like me, in their own unique ways. Hence, I should learn to be more considerate, forgiving and benevolent and look into circumstances comprehensively. 

_{Video credits: The Korea Society}

The conversation between the author and the psychiatrist sometimes felt highly personal, so I began feeling that I was intruding in someone’s private space—like eavesdropping on a private chatter. Yet, at times, it felt scorched. I couldn’t understand, let alone wrap my head around, many nuances; I constantly wondered if it was because of the cultural difference or the socio-political positioning of women in Korean society, which is different yet similar (in ways) to that of women in India. But that’s an idea I’ll be exploring later on.

_{Picture credits: Baek Se-hee’s Instagram(@sentido90)}

For example, the author talked about her struggle with alcoholism. However, her psychiatrist, instead of exploring why she drinks so much and if drinking for her (the author) is a coping mechanism or the drunken state, is a form of escapism, simply told her, “Just tell yourself, ‘I won’t drink so much next time,‘” and further advised her to avoid hanging out with friends with whom she goes drinking. Considering the prevalent drinking culture in Korea and its association with close friendships and professional relationships, it made me wonder if I found her comments and advice inappropriate because I am not as well-versed in terms of Korea and its culture or if the psychiatrist’s approach wasn’t what I have been acquainted with.

_{Picture credits: Baek Se-hee’s Instagram(@sentido90)}

However, I strongly felt that the psychiatrist, at times, wasn’t very present in the conversation, given her responses to the author sharing her problems. For instance, the psychiatrist told the author that her anxiety can further burden people around her. It baffled me. The author admitted to her chronic overthinking, obsessing, and people-pleasing tendencies; given everything she shared about her situatedness, the psychiatrist’s remarks felt insensitive. Telling a person who is already dealing with anxiety that they will be a burden will only throw them further into the darkness. It will make them overthink their movements on an intensified level, which can further amplify the existing mental health problems or create new ones.

_{Video credits: The Straits Times}

Anyhow, I Want to Die I Want to Eat Tteokbokki is an anthology of written dialogues between the author and her psychiatrist; I was able to immerse myself into the exchange to the point that it can be discerned as a close-knit story to the people around me and myself. I could correlate to many struggles that Baek Se-hee went through, especially the disarray of thoughts while she expressed herself, reflecting my own chain of thoughts. This book helped me cope with my overwhelming monologues, and I am utterly grateful for it. This has to be one of the few books I will keep close to me and reach out to whenever I need solace. Because it made me feel seen in many ways and provided the comfort that I really needed, I’ll end this review with one of my favourite quotes from the book:

“My desire to speak freely of my mental suffering was matched by my desire to hide myself from it all.”

Let us know in what way this book resonated with you. If you haven’t yet read it, then you can get yourself a copy of the book published by Bloomsbury here: https://amzn.in/d/aTKcMGB